Yourself as your opponent | Struggles I Faces

I'm drinking my hot chocolate at 3 p.m., while we're at 35 degrees Celsius, and I'm thinking about a lot of random things.

I can't deny the fact that things became a little complicated now. Things were not like before; easy and fast. No doubt that there are people who are suffering from anxiety, including me.

It's really hard to enter a battle where your opponent is yourself. Though you're perfectly equipped and prepared, you know you're still going to lose IF you don't have the secret weapon how to beat yourself.

For the past couple of months that I've stayed at home, I became more anxious. There are times when I can't control myself from overthinking. Crying out of nowhere over dumb things and having big doubts about myself happens frequently. I was afraid and thinking about what will happen next not only to my family but also to my job, to people who were fighting their own battles and other things. As a result, things changed in a way that I don't like. It's hard to go through this because every time anxiety hits you, it makes you feel worthless and powerless. It gives you a lot of reasons to overthink and doubt things you have no control over.

As I said in my first post here on my blog, "I've been through a lot. I was hurt. I cried, stumbled, and fell. I also got to the point where I want to end my life so I will no longer feel any pain, any heartaches, or anything. For several months, I keep on doubting myself, my worth, my existence..." read more here

Whenever I think about how broke, sad, in pain and miserable I am back then, I'm feeling worried, afraid, and sad at the same time. I'm worried and afraid because I don't want to go back and be like that again, and I'm also sad because I remember how hard it is to be in that situation. It took me a year and a half to get out of that dark place. Though I'm not lonely and miserable as I am in the latter part of 2018, I'm also not happy and positive as I am way back years ago. And I'm afraid that I can't go back to my old self anymore.

I'll be honest, I'm still cracking jokes (in fact I'm the comedian in our family), laughing so loud and I even cheer up my friends who're also suffering from anxiety, or whenever they want me to cheer them up, but it doesn't mean that I'm okay, that I'm fine and I have no problems and own battles that I need to fight. It's hard to have both positive and negative thoughts at the same time that's why it is important to choose what kind of environment you want to have. If you choose a toxic environment where you have fake friends and fake people who're pretending to care about you, you may end up being a toxic one AND you may also find it hard to see your worth. But if you choose to clean your environment, choose and filter your friends and leave those who truly care on the list, you can help yourself to become a better one.

It's hard for some people to stay at home, especially if they are working for their families. But me, for some reason, I'm okay with staying at home. I don't need to pretend and play the role of someone who's always okay and fine. For me, the world outside my home is a stage and the concept of the outside world is like we're on a stage play and the people around me are the audience. I remember a line from a hit Disney movie High School Musical 3: Senior Year, a line from Ms. Darbus (played by Alyson Reed), "Playing a role is easy. But being yourself, now that's a challenge".

I'm still having a hard time getting rid of anxiety. But personally, here are the things that are quite helpful for me:

1. You are in control.

• It's your job to help yourself. It is our job to pick ourselves up. As I've said earlier, your mind is very powerful. You are what you think and you're the one who's in charge of what you can do. It's quite tough to be a positive and negative thinker at the same time, but don't worry, it is normal. But you always have to remember that positive thoughts must always be more than negative thoughts. By doing this, you're now helping yourself.

2. Choose a good environment.

• "Good environment" means good people. I know you have a lot of friends on your social media accounts. But having a good amount of friends on your social media doesn't mean that you have real and good friends. In real life, you can't just accept someone so easily as accepting a friend request on Facebook. Referring to number one, you are in control, so you're also in charge of what kind of environment you want to have. If you have fake and toxic friends, then I'm afraid that your life can also be toxic as theirs. But if you're going to choose and filter the people you want to be in your life, make sure to accept and include those who are real, reliable, understandable, honest, and loyal on your list, I'm pretty sure that you can have a better life as they can also shape you.

3. Find your sweet escape.

• If there is a famous quotation "think outside the box", for me, if you want to find your sweet escape, you have to make your box. When I was in the miserable part of my life, my sweet escape is doing poems and songs. I'm letting my thoughts go out of my mind by producing poems. Now, I found a new sweet escape by writing articles here in my blog and it's really helpful for me. Like me, create a box for yourself and use it to escape for a while from the reality that is hurting you.

4. Reach out.

• It's kinda hard to reach out and tell that you're not okay, isn't it? Believe me, I know that kind of feeling. I'm also afraid to tell and let someone know about my feelings and thoughts. I'm afraid that they might judge me, make fun of me, or worst, tell me that I'm lying or just exaggerating. That is why it is important to find and have an understanding of the people around you. If you're not comfortable expressing yourself to your family, find someone that you know who will not judge you and will understand you in all possible ways. Yes, it's hard to reach out but this thing will also help you.

For people like me who are also suffering from anxiety, things are really difficult. It's tough, especially if you're a positive and a negative thinker at the same time. But one thing is for sure, your mind is very powerful. Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? "All thoughts turn into things eventually". read more here

For people like me who were already suffering from anxiety right before this pandemic issue happened, it's quite hard to treat this thing without consulting an expert to have proper medication. Things I said earlier are only helping me to escape for a while, not permanently. We still must seek some help from the experts. Remember, you can always reach out.

Before, they said that mental health is not important as it is. Some say that anxiety and depression were not real and that people who are suffering from these two mental illnesses are just making up stories. But I'm glad that the world is now paying attention to this kind of issue. I'm hoping that in time, people around the world will give attention to mental health issues the attention it deserves.

In the end, you are the only one who can help yourself. Learn how to control things that you can and start to ignore those things that you have no control over. It's okay to be not okay, it's normal. But you have to remind yourself that you can always win!

I'm still struggling and fighting anxiety. But I'm also trying every possible way to help myself, and also to help others who are also fighting against it. It's not a joke when we say that it's tough and painful if your opponent is yourself. But I'm proud to say that we are trying and still fighting.

To all the people out there who are also like me, WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Just don't give up!

Thank you for reading! Keep exploring! :)