I Wore A Dress | Why is it a big deal for me?

Imagine this..

Your parent brought you to the market and got surprised because instead of requesting a barbie doll, you requested a 100cm M3 toy gun.

Yep! That is me when I was three years old.

I remember so vividly the night when my father and I went to the market to buy something. Then after a good half-minute of circling around, we came across this vendor who was selling a variety of men's stuff like wallets, small bags, toys, and more on the sidewalk. My father checked some of it, and I remember seeing this big toy gun and telling him that I want it. He said that he was surprised that little me wants a gun.

I can't remember if I encouraged him (as a normal kid does) to buy it, but what I can remember is we went home, and since the price was out of the budget, he borrowed the money to buy it right away. Just a disclaimer that I'm not a spoiled kid, but I'm so blessed that my parents gave me almost everything I want.

Reminiscing that night is so funny, and until now, I can't find any words to explain how curious I am about wanting that gun.

When I was around 3-4 years old, I have lots of different toys. There's a kitchen set, barbie dolls, a make-up kit, and then the robots, car toys, beyblade, toy guns, etc. I have more boy toys compared to girl toys, and thinking about it now is so funny!

It partly explains why I'm not into girly stuff. And with that said, that is one of the reasons why I'm not comfortable wearing dresses, aside from it's not really my choice of clothes. That's why I can still remember the very first time I wore a dress-- six-year-old me was surprised when my mom told me to wear a dress for my birthday, not only one but two dresses on the same day.

Okay, I'm not saying that I hate wearing a dress. What I'm saying is I'm not comfortable wearing one. I know you, who read this will not judge me, but I just want to make it clear as the day.

Fast forward to this year when I am so proud of myself for choosing to wear a dress. Why is it a big deal for me?

As I mentioned earlier, I never felt comfortable wearing a dress. Why? Maybe because it's not my choice of style. But what I'm sure about is that I'm not fully confident to wear a dress because I'm a plus-size person. The moment I gained weight and saw myself wearing a dress, I told myself that it doesn't look good on me. So every time I try to wear a dress, I keep on seeing the old me who hates what I look like wearing one. It kept going until my mind was fixed that I will never wear a dress anymore. NEVER.

Not until this year.

February 2023 when my father got invited by my cousins to attend their aunt's (on their father's side) 60th birthday and house blessing at the same time in March. When my father asked me if I want to come, I agreed right away since it is a trip and I want to unwind even for just for a couple of days, and considering that it is in the province, HELLO - FRESH AIR! As soon as we decided that we will come along, I started to think about what I would wear to a birthday and a house blessing. I want something new in my style but still appropriate for the event. I don't want to wear my go-to outfit which is denim pants and a loose shirt paired with my high-cut converse. I WANT SOMETHING THAT WILL REFRESH MY STYLE. At first, I decided to buy new pants and a white top with lace, then I found a blouse, and me being indecisive saw a lot that I got overwhelmed. Until one day, something crossed my mind -- "why don't you wear a dress?". As someone who has this fixed mindset that she will not wear a dress anymore, I am so surprised that I thought about that. Of course, I had to deal with myself - "are you sure?", "do you really wanna do that?", "wait, you're kidding", "no, you will not" - and more!

From that day, I still have plenty of time to think about if I really want to do it. Checked some outfits there, checked some outfits here, try this on, try this one. It looks like I'm in a fashion show! Then my mind said, "okay, wear a dress".

Before I buy one, I literally asked myself if I want to do it, and if I'm okay with it. Then I realized this:

The only person who kept me not to wear a dress is me. I'm the only one who doesn't have confidence in myself. It is me who restrains myself to try something new, to do things outside my comfort zone. And it is me who is afraid to be judged, to be laughed at, to look like a clown, where in fact, I'm not.

I'm a plus-size. I'm big. So what? My weight doesn't define me.

People will laugh as it doesn't look good on me. So what? I don't care what they think! I look beautiful!

Don't fool myself as it's really not me? No. It makes me happy trying to know myself more, instead of not wanting to grow.

Then, I bought the dress, and wear it.

I couldn't be more proud of myself!

Again, why is it a big deal?

It is a big deal because:

It's not just about wearing the dress. It's also about accepting who I am. It's about being happy with what I am - that people can never bring me down as long as I know who I am.

There are a lot of negative things that people might throw at you. People always have a thing to say about you. Some people will judge you just because you don't fit in with their beauty standards. Some will say "you are beautiful, but you're fat", "you're so pretty, only you have pimples", and more insensitive comments.

While some other comments might help you, it is also important to keep in your mind that those kinds of judgments should not define you. It should not destroy you-- your confidence, and the way you look at yourself.

Wearing this dress is not just about putting this fabric on. It symbolizes the day that I came out of my comfort zone - the day I accepted and chose something that I know will help me to progress and to grow more.

It's true that sometimes, it is scary to do unfamiliar things, especially if it is our first time doing it. But how will you know if you won't do it?

So before I end this article, I want to leave you a reminder:

It's okay if you still don't want to get out of your comfort zone. It takes time. I will not lie, it's not easy, and yes, sometimes, it is scary. But you being afraid is nothing compared to the happiness that you will feel when you get out. It's fulfilling to feel proud of yourself-- to know yourself, and to realize that there's so much more you need to learn about yourself. You just need to take that first step out of the door.

What is the first step to do this? Accept that you're not perfect. Because the day you accept your flaws is the first day you start to love yourself.

Thank you for reading! Keep exploring! :)